Sunday, January 30, 2011

Helpful Hints

Dear Internet,

Let's talk about sex, baby grammar, puncuation, and appropriateness.  Which in my book gets you one step closer to sex because it turns me on when a man can string two sentences together and is polite enough to use spell check.  And I don't think I'm alone in this.  So here are some helpful hints for those of you who online date like I do:

  1. If you reread your email before sending it and the words, "I'm a poet and I didn't know it," come to mind you should hit delete and start over.  You might find your ability to rhyme lass with something other than ass charming but chances are all you're going to get is laughs.  And not in that with you but at you way.  Not the first impression you want to make.
  2. Fishin.  Hutin.  Readin.  Are not words.  Go ahead and add that G at the end.  It makes you seem more sophisticated.  In fact, let's just go ahead and spell all words correctly.  If you have any questions about that there's a friendly little helper you can use-spell check.
  3. Are you on adult friend finder?  Ok, then send that seven point outline of what you want to do to her shoes.  If you're not then keep that one to yourself until you're a couple dates in.  Fantasies, desires, wants, fetishes, are not appropriate topics to lead with.  If I wanted to be hit on like that I'd just wear a low cut top and go to a bar.  But part of why I pay for a profile is so I don't have to deal with creeps like you.  Keep it somewhat classy until I get to know you a little better.  Then feel free to let your freak flag fly as high as you want. 
  4. Do not use your profile to vent about your ex.  We've all had bad breakups but we're here now trying to find our match.  Let it go.  And if you can't then maybe you should take your profile down until you can. Because that tirade you went on about cheating makes you seem like a crazy person.  And crazy people don't easily get dates.
  5. Post a picture.  Answer all the questions.  The truth is going to come out eventually anyway.  Might as well just find the courage to be up front.  Saves a lot of time and heart break in the long run.  Plus, it's better assurance that you aren't trying to hide a third eye or serial killer past.  And if you want to meet in person I've got to feel like you're safe.  Knowing what you look like helps with that.
And yes these are all based on real life experiences.  I'll have to tell you about them sometime because aside from being kinda sad they are funny.

What did I leave out?


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